So what’s up with Mondays?
Just weird, lot of visits yesterday or something.
Anyway (yes one of my favorits words), I realize I haven’t updated in a while, but since I put my blog link on Bring Change 2 Mind‘s facebook wall, I figured I should update it occassionally.
Mentally I am trying to recover from what seemed like a 2-1/2 siege on my sanity. It had nothing at all to do with brain chemistry and everything to do with external factors. The external factors have been removed, so things are on an upswing. Well, at least in a sorta upward motion. Gradual. My pdoc decided at my visit in May that he feels that the most current dosages of my meds are working at an optimal level for me, so we’re going to see how that goes when I go back in August. I thought that I’d have to go in earlier, but most of that was just stress from the previously mentioned sanity siege.
Physically, I just give up. I mean, once one thing gets fixed, something else goes wrong. I had to have a physical and get some immunizations before class starts so I can participate in clinicals. I went in to the doctor, got checked out, got my first Hep B shot and a Tdap shot, TB skin test and some bloodwork to make sure my liver was handling all my meds okay. Of course I had a reaction to the Tdap shot and thought I was going to die of the flu or something, but that got better. TB test came back negative, which is weird because I stopped getting TB tests back in 1994 when the Navy said I was positive and I had to take months and months of INH. Anyway, for some reason the doctor decided to check my vitamin D and TSH (thyroid) levels as well. A few days later I get my lab results in the mail along with two prescriptions – synthroid and vitamin D. (Also, who sends lab results in the mail that say, “Oh your TSH levels are low and so is your vitamin D – take these to the pharmacy. See you in a month.”) So right now I’m on 25 mcg of synthroid daily and 50,000 iu of Vitamin D weekly.
First off, I looked up hypothyroidism and was amazed by the list of symptoms. It was like a lightbulb literally appeared above my head. I never had any idea that there was anything wrong with my thyroid because I thought everything was explained by the fact I am getting old (like it or not, mainly not), side effects of my meds, or that I am just lazy and overweight. I know it’s probably a little bit of everything – all connected in a massive web, but how much of it started with my thyroid? Or was my thyroid affected by everything else? It’s like the chicken and the egg, except it’s a lot more eggs. Or not.
Because I had a positive ANA titer previously, it’s most likely that I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, an auto-immune disease that attacks the thyroid cells. It’s also the most common form of hypothyroidism. Only more bloodwork will tell, although really, I’m going to be giving a lot of blood for someone who is supposed to be learning how to take blood…
This all makes me wonder how much of my BP is really in my head, and how much is because of my thyroid? And why wasn’t my thyroid checked before doctors started tossing me prescriptions for anti-depressants and mood stabilizers? There was no google back when this started, and silly me didn’t even think there could be a connection. Then again, I’m not a doctor.
Also frustrating is that, no matter what the outcome happens to be, I will still be taking some sort of medication EVERY DAY. Every day until I die. UNTIL I DIE. In my mind I can see all those little pills (except the trazodone, because those suckers are HUGE) falling from some giant hourglass above my head, surrounding me and covering me until I’m buried and all there is to see is a giant mound of pills. The weight of those tiny pills just adds up, and I can feel that weight pushing me down. I don’t want to be pressured by all that, and I don’t want to see myself as just a giant mound of pills. I think it’s just easier to pretend that one day I’ll be cured of something and I won’t have to take those pills anymore.
So, denial it is, same as usual. Which reminds me in an oblique way that it’s time to take one of my meds.
sucks about the thyroid, but super glad someone finally made the connection! you know what they say, when you’ve got a hammer every problem looks like a nail. no psych has ever looked into anything like that for me, but reg docs have checked & rechecked my levels. i have all the signs of being thyroid deficient, but my numbers come back good. it’s like diabetes, all the signs & symptoms are there but again my numbers are good. except for that one doc who thought i had diabetes, but i don’t anymore & that doesn’t really happen.
i totally feel ya on the pills thing though. that used to get to me when i thought about having to take my psych pills forever & ever. good reason for quitting. but that always leads to trouble, so i’m rather resigned to the idea. but when i first started wearing glasses i also cried myself to sleep at night thinking i was just slowly go blind over time. i am given to melodrama. even where there’s no one around to care.
oh yeah, & i know how it is that as soon as you leap one hurdle a cat runs in your path. jump the cat & it’s a dog next. so on & so forth. i guess when we can we should just be glad one waits till the other has passed.
Geez… I’m glad I reread this because I totally forgot my pills, even though they are sitting next to my keyboard. /facepalm
I think I read somewhere that your thyroid levels can look good, but that because the acceptable range is so wide, a good number for one person may be too much or too little for another person. Not like that helps much, since doctors know everything. /eyeroll
Sometimes I feel like those hurdles are coming at me more than one at a time, but then I think that maybe some of those are hurdles I’ve made up in my mind. You are given to melodrama; I am given to over-complications.